Deepavali..
haven been blogging consistently as i was busy sleeping due to the cough and runny nose i have been having the past few days.. hmmm, its 2.30am now... and what am i doing here.. i should be resting in bed! but just couldnt fall asleep.. had the urge to binge but settled with 2 pieces of bread with jam spread..
my day is okay today though eating quite abnormal...
breakfast: 2 bowls frosties with l/f milk
an apple
lunch: black glutinous rice with green bean soup
2 apples
dinner: indian food, 1 bowl cornflakes, sweets,
3/4 of a papaya
supper: 2 slices of bread

i guess i still fear food quite a lot..looking at my food choices, they are all relatively safe and i dont think i consumed the daily required caloric level of 2000kcal.. but then again, i am happy with it.. at least i do enjoy my food.
just had a talk with mama... she thinks that i really can recover.. she feels that i am not putting in enough effort.. i totally agree with her, but a part of me is holding back my ED, refusing to let it go... she says that i may agree with her there and then but when its mealtimes, i'm back to square one.. but what can i do.. if i eat something which i dont want to, i'll be thinking of it the rest of the day.. and it isnt nice having food to occupy your mind 24/7..
when i was going through the food available in the fodcourt near my house, i realise that my choices are limited.. maybe its due to not tasting the forbidden food for too long, but it seems like those food dont exist anymore.. i immediately rule out the roti prata, chicken rice and malay food stalls.. i cant deny that it is my ed which is affecting me but i no longer have any cravings for these food anymore.. i probable have forgotten how it tastes like.. since i was sick 1 and a 1/2 years ago, i haven been touching any fastfood, except for subway(if u consider that to be a fast food)
i've been lying through my teeth all these while, to my mum, friends and even sz.. but i just feel that i must make them feel that i am normal and cannot disappoint them. but in the end, i am lying to myself.. trish, its only food, why struggle so much.. mumy was right.. focus your time on something else.. instead of wasting your time and energy bingeing, why not use it to sleep, blog or do something more useful? i may be able to think rationally with regards to education and finance but regarding food, i just cant. i dont know what's holding me back but i frankly dont believe that there's an inner voice controlling me.
just finished "life without ed" and my impression of it is just rubbish.. i mean, different ppl viiew their ed differently.. i clearly understand that there is not other voice within me but its just tricia.. this stubborn girl here who is refusing to let go of what used to be so familiar and safe to her.. it has nothing got to do with anyone except myself.. to win this battle, i need to straighten out my thoughts and go for what is right not what i feel is right. but as the saying goes, its easier said than done..
i really have a feeling to restrict all over again but i guess i'm too tired of it and its impossible to do it anymore.. as wayne says, "we've past the stage already".. i agree with it but NO. i will and can do it.. believe in myself.. tomorrow, i am going to try take duck rice for lunch.. god please help me buck up the courage and do what is right..
i told mum that i am happy where i sam and what i am now and dont wish for anything to change.. she says i'll be a happier person without ED.. i really dont know about that.. but i can just take one step at a time and wich for things to go on smoothly or not better.. love u mama

Starting up..
Just came home not long ago.. had a talk with mama bout my progress with ed.. she says that she believe i can recover but i don't think so.. i have heard of pple recovering from anoerexia but not binge-eating.. i'm glad i'm not purging and did not turn bulimic... but what can i say.. my recovery is kinda stagnant... if i dont do anything about it or put in some effort, it will probably head downwards..

hmmmm...

PROGRESS

• eating soya ice-cream
• TRYing to take my 3 proper meals although sz didnt
• stop feeling that ntuc/ cold storage is the best place on earth( felt qt tired looking at all the food)
• resting and sitting down a lot more
• stop comparing so much with others

SETBACKS

• still tend to spot ed pple on the loose
• eating very safe food like yong tau foo and fishball noodles
• felt that my face look round and fat
• accompaning sz though i dont feel like it

Actually what mama said is quite true... sz isnt really helping me to get well instead she is kinda affecting me.. maybe not that much, but i cant deny that there is a little.. i feel that i am tired of everything.. tired of calling her, tired of bingeing, tired of thinking whats happening to her..i feel that i have to call her everyday to make sure she's okay.. this totally reminds me of the time last year when i was calling zt everyday to ask what she ate for her 3 meals.. i wonder whether i ammake use of sz as by hearing her binges i cant deny that i feel happy that at least i am better than her.. ibut i realy like her as a person and really hope to help her.. but i guess in my psycological state, its better that i help myself first..

i feel that there is no point seeing doc lee or ms boon anymore.. yes, they can help me to start my path of recovery but thats all they can do.. the rest depends on myself.. there is no one i can depend on except myself.. i have to take the courage to try "forbidden" food, go home for meals, change my own mindset and constantly think that i am beautiful for who i am.. it seems easy.. but when u are so coop up with so many things in life.. it just gets really tiring and difficult..

i dun hope for anything... i just wanna take my 3 meals with some healthy snacks in between.. and stop bingeing.. i wanna study hard... i seriously am not happy with my results, i am really a HYPOCRITIC woman!! whats wrong with me, this mugger.. i seem to hide from everyone about my mugging though i know that its okay to be mugging esp in RJ.. but its just me, being a perfectionist, self- centred and selfish being.. (a typical economist)

dont wanna talk bout my results anymore or itll make me even more depressed.. i am gonna work hard this hols to get my basics strong so i wont be so stressed up next year and allow history to repeat itself..i wanna feel that studying is a pleasure instead of a chore.. i wanna get my scholarship and go overseas to study.. i wanna do my family, my mama and myself proud.. i wanna lead a happy life and i guess the only accomplishment i can acheive now is studies.. so trish, please work hard! and ace your 'A's..

meal plan for tmr!!!

• breakfast: 2 slices of bread with jam spread
• lunch: yong tau foo
  papaya milk
  fruits/sweets
• dinner: home cook=)
  some fruits( not too much, limit to two)

hope everthing is fine tomorrow!!! work hard tricia and you can do it!