Counting my Blessings!

It's been a long long while since I last wrote something here...
But I guess this is a little too personal to be shared on FB notes.. thus it comes HERE!

This semester certainly hasn't been the best sem ever, coping with rejections/struggles/excitement/disappointments/failures/yada yada... Nonetheless..I have met really beautiful people...

First... it was E.y.E!

Jin-wen: always there when I need a listening ear!
Ping: HAHA! lovesss
Darryl: haha, things really worked out amazingly.. from fear to friend!
Sam: fellow chow stats.simply toast mee-siamer... haha
Eugene: haha.. wad can i say, fellow purple-liner
Winston: another purple-liner... ever so stressed with i-dunno-wad
Jason: Chicken Rice.. one whom I am blessed to meet!
Zhao Bin: THIS BIG KOR whom i havent met before yet talked so much to. AMAZING

Then.... InDanCity

Beloved Zheya: MY LOVEEE
VLVers: SHUAI TOU
Bryan: fellow purple-liner..
lari: another lovely girl

Not Forgetting... UNI-Y

Yihan: AH GONG
Val: haha! ever so hyper!
Yining: fellow NANYANG GIRL... woots!
okie... i needa know the rest better. haha

BSM 6

Kenny!: love your encouragement! Sponsorship comm!
PING again!

Project GroupMATES!

SAMSAMSAM: Praise the Lord!
Hui Leng: haha! love this funny woman
Amanda: woots woots! power woman
Wei Zhong: NICE GUY
Jeffery: I'll be praying for you!

and now its back to blogging for me again.

I am supposed to be sleeping like a dead log. so, what am i doing here? I just can't sleep. this problem of insomnia has been recurring for the past few weeks. Its either i don't get sufficient sleep or I am just awake at the wrong times.

Anyways, hope YS was happy with his birthday celebration. feeling rather guilty about arriving late but couldn't help it as I was really tied down with work. for pictures, check it out on fb!

Anyways, I am quite unhappy recently? I feel that I'm not as focused as I want myself to be. this leads to the many scenarios of procrastinations recently. So, as Dr-Ong-to-be says, create a timetable! I will try.. no promises though.

but tmr will kinda be a gone day for me as well because I'm extracting 2 more teeth! AHHH. thankfully, evelyn's appt is before that or I would suffer from talking disabilities once again. Oh, speaking of which, I must remember to make some permission cards for myself and start jotting down my nightmares. hmmmmm cant remember any offhand now though.

OH... and a mental note to myself "COMPARE WITH MYSELF" as the saying goes, yi shan you bi yi shan gao. so there is absolutely no point in trying to be better than someone else. exceed my personal limits. Go beyond what I think I can! venture into the unknowns. Improve on personal best(s)! Yep, here's the spirit I am going to carry with me for the rest of the year till i get another/better motivational phrase. But this will always be kept in my bank of "inspirational words"!

Alrights, I guess I should start turning in now. Don't want to have panda eyes tomorrow. Also, I don't want risk dozing off in vincent chua's lesson! TATA! nights everyone. But before that.. lets have a brief idea of what my week ahead is going to be like.

TUESDAY-intro econs class
-dental
-evelyn appt
WEDNESDAY
-nothing at the moment-
THURSDAY-TWC Class
-Consultation with Burkhard
-DANCE!!!
FRIDAY-BGS Class
-Indancity Intro Class(tentative)


As for aims this week:
-Ring up relevant agencies for econs proj
-BGS powerpoint
-FA Report (financial analysis on starhub)
-SPonsors for InDanCity!!
-BGS Report
-Intro econs Report

WORK

urgh.. i am guilty. i didnt do much at all during the weekends. ANNDDD..nvm oh wells. but I know I can't afford to be EMO cos being EMO wastes time and energy!
SO.. its back to work again.

I need some motivation. I need a study buddy. I need a push. I need to be independent! GO trish GO!! u can do this! (:

trish misses SINGING LOADS how?

time to revive this place!

I think I have this even-week-stress syndrome..I felt the stress creeping on me during week 2 and just when I thought things are getting better, its happening this week (wk4)again! So... I need a plan man! plan my life!

Monday
9:00pm FA chap 4
-10qns
11:00pm Nano-technology Research
12:00pm Intro econs Research (sea-routes)
-------SLEEP----------(20situps, 20pushups, warm-ups)


Tuesday
12:30pm Lunch
2:00pm FA chap 4(10 qns)
FA chap 5(10 qns)
6:00pm BGS readings(chap 2,3,4,5)
7:30pm Go home
8:00pm DINNER!!
9:00pm BGS readings/BGS research & HW
-------SLEEP----------(25situps 25pushups, conditioning)


Wednesday
8:45am WAKE UPPPP!!!!

-to be planned-!

7:30pm INDANCITY!!!! wooooooo..!!

wheeeeee.. i feel more at ease now.

MR ONG! arent u proud of me! trish is so orgnised.. I need to be stronger.. AND practice more. so I wont look like an idiot during prac.. haha!
JIA YOU TRISH! you can do this..

gettin back on feet

YEPS, as the title suggests, GET BACK ON FEET.

its been long since I blogged. Guess its time to get my life back.Sometimes I really hate myself for being myself. Because, I am always so insecure, uncertain, fickle, stupid, stubborn, easily swayed/affected... OKay.. I'm tired of it.HAHA. So, I was just thinking.. I might as well divert these energies of feeling so inadequate into making my TOURS better. If anything at all, I would feel happier and my tourists will have a much more unforgettable experience.

So, working SO SO much at DUCKtours.. HAHAHA pros and cons. No doubt, I really feel a lot happier but my voice's also going.. or more like perpetually dying/hoarse. OH WELLS. WHO ASK THAT STUPID ENGINE OF THE DUCK TO BE SO DAMN FREAKIN LOUD! hahaha. But yeps.. I do feel happy!! woots.apart from some people who are always attempting to spoil my day. HAHAH.

I feel like reflecting today. I realise that I am a person who constantly needs to feel appreciated.. And more often than not, I need verbal reassurance and confidence boosters. In this regard, I am super NOT self-sufficient and neither am I independent. I cant tell myself that.. YES, I AM GOOD. WHATEVER YOU SAY/THINK/DO.. I DONT GIVE A DAMN. hahah. shitified.. cause I DO give a damn bout how others think of me. this sucks so bad huh?!talking bout emotional independence? bullshit lah. Everyone has been telling me, trish. fight for your rights please. you shouldnt be pushed around like that. do what you think is right.

So.... my resolution for the rest of the year is to STAND FIRM ON MY GROUNDS.enough of treating me like a small MEI MEI. urgh. Although I play along and ACT as if I really ENJOY being treated like a small kid, SORRY. NO I DO NOT. so STOP IT. I am going to try to HECKCARE bout what others may think and just do what I think is right. So screw those insecurities.Also, I have to start building up my self confidence again. REALLY. tough work man. not sure how im gonna do it.. but I'll try and come up with a Plan.

Also, I should STOP trying to pack myself up. AND know the importance of REST. i really really wanna stay in a hostel. I REALLY REALLY dont wanna stay at home during my UNI years. sighs.. but since its smu for me... its no hostel as well. SHITES.URGH. thats the thing i really dont like bout smu. NO HALL LIFE. maybe i can camp in school.. hahahah.

OHOH. AND.. short term goals! I really wanna do well in first year..so I can double up with econs as 2nd degree and get a scholarship as well. SO TRISH.. PLEASE JIA YOU AND WORK HARD. u can do this.. yea! With regards with taking a part time degree outside uni. hmmmmmmmmm.. that shall wait.

OKOK. for now.. i shall go dreaming in la la land

AND..

CHINNY'S POP-ING ON TUESDAY! hahahahha. congrats dude!

BYE BYE

guilty

I've never felt such guilt in such a long time. Now, its back again. sighs.

Feeling super miserable and hopeless.

There's a lot of things I cant say here. Oh wells bye bye

hmmmm.

view in private blog

SATs

so.. just saw my SAT scores. hmm. i didn't make the cut for smu law. but its ok!! cos i dont wanna do it anyways. wont say I'm damn happy bout the results.. just satisfied.. ask me personally if u wanna know more(:

hmm. recently I've been crying less.. mood slightly more stable... anyways.. trust tutors isnt that bad afterall. they waived my termination acct fee of $55. but with regards to the $300.. they'll offer me 3 kids to match! so its really not that bad! probably get to earn back the monthly sign-up fee..

MOE teaching award? should i? shouldn't i? teaching? hmmm. i dunno.. 4 years of tuition fees. 4 years of bond. $4000 living expenses a year..oh wells

hahah! anyways, kel was so funny. he said army organised a half-marathon..ME?? i cant run for NUTS now.. too much bulge here and there. too heavy to move... HAHAH. oh mans, if i were to run, I would look like a lump of lard amongst the steak. HAHAHHAHAHHA!! ok.. im laughing while i'm imagining all the participants as foood!?! like mascots moving around! ahahahahahah!

anyways.. went out with sis and bro for IRON MAN(IMM.. hahah) on sunday!plus dinner @ dingtaifeng. JIE's TREAT..so lets take a look at some of the highlights of the DAY!

of eating and drinking and more eating and drinking

hahah! didnt know the dinner would be so much fun!
so.. some highlights during the dinner!

AHHHHH

shit. shit. shit. shit.

OH MANS! how! I never knew.. or more like I assumed.

Okay.. I am reallly reallly damn upset!

you know.. sometimes I'm amazed by my ability to talk to people..be it colleagues or friends, about stuff which I really hate myself for. Here I am smiling at them, complaining.. and taking everything easy.. and when I go home.. I'll just break into tears. I really wonder at times.. how do I do that.

Anyways.. was just talking to Faith(the other superduper secretary!).. She say that she knows I'm a very insecure person.. no confidence in myself.. yea.. i totally get what she means.. but just that I never knew it became so IN me that its so evident from the outside. I agree with her.. yet I hate it.. Hate it so much for not being able to hide my weaknesses? And apart from that.. I really hate it that I'm so insecure! sighssss! why cant I just be person A.. person B.. Why must I be myself. I feel so lousy and weak. So stupid and shit..SIGH.. but what can I do!? After so many stupid stuff.. I'm just glad I'm still alive.

I hate to reconcile with the fact that my tolerance for insults, tolerance for shits, tolerance to remain sane, tolerance for stress, tolerance for EVERYTHING is just so so so LOW. I hate it.. so much. WHY AM I SO VULNERABLE! WHY.

I'm damn stressed bout the submissions on hand! I know that whatever it is, this is like the last straw for us to win this case. sighs. I really really want to do a good job. really.

WORK HARD TRISH.

SHIT

Sometimes, I just feel like appearing as if I'm totally okay. Anyways, thats what you people out there want to see huh?! oh wells! But too bad. You can call me stupid, you can label me as an attention seeker, or useless, frail and dumb. But that's just who I am. So screw it.

Things in the office have been better. Things at home? lets see... hmmm. 2nd week already?

I just feel like leaving everything behind me. And if anyone of you think that I am loser. I really don't care. I am not gonna even try to evoke some pity in anyone of you for me because I don't even think I am pitiful. I don't expect anyone to understand since I myself, don't really understand why I'm acting the way I do. But let's just say... leave me alone. thanks. Stop undermining everything.

sorry

I dont feel like talking.
I dont feel like messaging.
I dont feel like going out.

No reason. I just dont feel like it.

sorry...

sigh

all i need is a legitimate excuse. the only thing holding me back is that. sighs

drinking?

haha. just realised last night that my take for alcohol's quite low. heh! oh wells!

back to square one

okay. so its back to deep shits again. oh wells. not new to me i guess. SIGH. the only consolation I have is that I wont be schooless.

I know that I can deal with this... and the only reason why I think I can do it is because I hang on to a little faith and hope that my appeals for NTU will work. sighs. plus, SMU havent called me up.. maybe i got it? (though rach, who was in the same interview rm with me got called up for smu biz tea session this morning.) please tell me this is not the end. please.

anyways life's not gettin a single bit better. I look in the mirror and hate whatever I see.. everything. i just hate myself.

So... today I talked to elaine(the superwoman secretary) about my resignation.. hmmm.. probably end of june, i told her.. Sigh..
So, apart from crying in my bed after looking at NTU's letter, my mind was just filled up with "should i? shouldnt i? resign..." thoughts the whole of yesterday. I know I cant be so irresponsible cos there's still A*L*O's matter (*to preserve the confidentiality of the case) pending and A*L's submissions for Alvin... And Alvin's already so tied up.. hope my little efforts relieve him off some of it.. I'm really really trying my best to do what I can.. the case's really so difficult to understand...I really.. am trying. throughout half the meeting last week, I was still trying to understand **'s accent and terms he's using..trying my best to pen down whatever I can.. blah blah blah.. yet all I get from HIM is... "just ask that girl to write whatever she wrote in the meeting lah." or "dont look for me. look for Alvin" or "Busy, sorry"... I hate it so badly sometimes.. sighs.. and thats when he's in a good mood.. if his mood gets bad... "f-ing shit you're giving me" or "you're so irritating, I got so much stuff and here u are giving me this f-ed up work" yuppp, things along those lines.

And it doesnt help when either trish.. or the ed in me starts comparing with..... Once again.. it becomes mentally draining.. emotionally torturous..

But then again.. I really love my table, my colleagues, our PANTRY (we just stock it up today!! exciting huh!) HIM, with his -once-in-a-while- good mood's generosity.. Oh.. and the rest of the lawyers.. (aren't they just so adorable.. ha if any of them were to see this.. they'll probably freak out!) yupp.. but seriously.. they are so funny at times, and they make u feel important and really APPRECIATE what u do for them. AND of course.. the super-duper SECRETARIES as well..

I really dont know how much am I helping the lawyers (or am i making things worst?)Do I really make a difference here? And since it builds up on my already piling insecurities and makes me feel so lousy.. why move on with it.. when I know this is gonna be my only only real break in a long long time. And I guess I'll be better off doing voluntary work in SGH, making much more of a difference in other's lives and making life more meaningful for me...sighs. but yes, responsibility. and I dont want HIM to look down on me.. thinking that I'm a quitter cos NO, I'm NOT.

oh wells.

Anyways, on a side note, I dreamt of someone jumping off the building yesterday.. and flashes of this particular dream keeeeeeps reappearing in my head today. OK. maybe a hint? maybe a sign? a signal? hahaha. okay. no, just joking.

Oh, many people have been asking me bout the bruise on my upper arm and I always tell them that I probably fell off the bed and it just appeared the next morning..(but did I??) haha. oh wells. dont wanna talk bout it anymore.

SO.. life sucks once again.. and its just sucks more and more as the days go by.

-THE END-

life

SUCKS

if this continues any longer. i dont know what i'll do.

life sucks. to the max

many many things running through my head now.

but none of which i can blog right here.

so. yes.

eventful night. eventful day.

anyways. work has been sucky. i am so so so soaked in profanities. i feel so degraded. so worthless. sometimes i wonder.. why did i put myself through all this shit! but then again. its a really good learning experience. I mean.. there's always trade-offs for everything. Just that... recently so many things have been stressing me up.both emotionally and mentally. thats not mentioning feelings of self dejection due to physical "inadequacies". Thus, leading to me..... yes.

So.. recently many things have changed. apart from exercising more regularly, feeling suckier, becoming more reserved at home(haha, depends on how one looks at this.)... yes, vulgarities. tell me about it man. lets just say.. it doesnt play as much a big deal as it did in the past. oh wells. So lets just put it in simpler terms and look at myself in a bigger picture sense.. i am hating the world around me now, in particular myself. I am a lot more sensitive now (in a negative sense). And.. things just havent been looking good.

I know I'm not making much sense here. but. yes. thats the point man. I am losing it. Losing the ability to think rationally, objectively and most of all, sensibly. things haven't looked that bad ever since a year or two back. I wonder how i'm gonna salvage all this shit I'm in. this life of mine.

but! to end on a lighter note. I know this is not the end. As dr lee told me 2 years back or so.. if you look at life (then, it was referred to as recovery) as this graph, you may be at this point here (points at the lowest dip of the zig-zag curve)... but look at the general trend.. and u see its still going upwards. so.. what can i say. once again.. life has met the pits for me again! so lets just wait.. wait.. and see things go up again.

bye bye

STUPID!

STUPID STUPID!!!