back to square one

okay. so its back to deep shits again. oh wells. not new to me i guess. SIGH. the only consolation I have is that I wont be schooless.

I know that I can deal with this... and the only reason why I think I can do it is because I hang on to a little faith and hope that my appeals for NTU will work. sighs. plus, SMU havent called me up.. maybe i got it? (though rach, who was in the same interview rm with me got called up for smu biz tea session this morning.) please tell me this is not the end. please.

anyways life's not gettin a single bit better. I look in the mirror and hate whatever I see.. everything. i just hate myself.

So... today I talked to elaine(the superwoman secretary) about my resignation.. hmmm.. probably end of june, i told her.. Sigh..
So, apart from crying in my bed after looking at NTU's letter, my mind was just filled up with "should i? shouldnt i? resign..." thoughts the whole of yesterday. I know I cant be so irresponsible cos there's still A*L*O's matter (*to preserve the confidentiality of the case) pending and A*L's submissions for Alvin... And Alvin's already so tied up.. hope my little efforts relieve him off some of it.. I'm really really trying my best to do what I can.. the case's really so difficult to understand...I really.. am trying. throughout half the meeting last week, I was still trying to understand **'s accent and terms he's using..trying my best to pen down whatever I can.. blah blah blah.. yet all I get from HIM is... "just ask that girl to write whatever she wrote in the meeting lah." or "dont look for me. look for Alvin" or "Busy, sorry"... I hate it so badly sometimes.. sighs.. and thats when he's in a good mood.. if his mood gets bad... "f-ing shit you're giving me" or "you're so irritating, I got so much stuff and here u are giving me this f-ed up work" yuppp, things along those lines.

And it doesnt help when either trish.. or the ed in me starts comparing with..... Once again.. it becomes mentally draining.. emotionally torturous..

But then again.. I really love my table, my colleagues, our PANTRY (we just stock it up today!! exciting huh!) HIM, with his -once-in-a-while- good mood's generosity.. Oh.. and the rest of the lawyers.. (aren't they just so adorable.. ha if any of them were to see this.. they'll probably freak out!) yupp.. but seriously.. they are so funny at times, and they make u feel important and really APPRECIATE what u do for them. AND of course.. the super-duper SECRETARIES as well..

I really dont know how much am I helping the lawyers (or am i making things worst?)Do I really make a difference here? And since it builds up on my already piling insecurities and makes me feel so lousy.. why move on with it.. when I know this is gonna be my only only real break in a long long time. And I guess I'll be better off doing voluntary work in SGH, making much more of a difference in other's lives and making life more meaningful for me...sighs. but yes, responsibility. and I dont want HIM to look down on me.. thinking that I'm a quitter cos NO, I'm NOT.

oh wells.

Anyways, on a side note, I dreamt of someone jumping off the building yesterday.. and flashes of this particular dream keeeeeeps reappearing in my head today. OK. maybe a hint? maybe a sign? a signal? hahaha. okay. no, just joking.

Oh, many people have been asking me bout the bruise on my upper arm and I always tell them that I probably fell off the bed and it just appeared the next morning..(but did I??) haha. oh wells. dont wanna talk bout it anymore.

SO.. life sucks once again.. and its just sucks more and more as the days go by.

-THE END-

sigh

can someone please tell me that i'm not mediocre..that i'm not dumb.. that i'm not idiotic... and that i'm still special.

SIGHS.

why is this world so so practical. why. i hate it. hate it! urgh

of insecurities and disappointments

oh wells. the whole world around me is getting scholarship/ University offers and interviews. (okay I'm generalising)sighs. what can i say. I dont even have the chance to get rejected.

This is so irritating. When I have a firm(or is it) hold on my goals, aims and directions, there's bound to be something which throw me off my stand. Its just like walking on a balance beam... You try your best to focus and walk in one direction.. But sounds around you, obstacles in front of you never fail to sway you from side to side and even push you back one or two steps.

Oh wells, I guess this is life. Sometimes you fly, sometimes you walk and other times you crawl. There's just so much insecurities in me now. Maybe I dont say it.. but it still hurts.

Planet fitness has started. I went for one yoga and one spin( ride on stationary bike with hip music and an instrutor) lesson! shit. I didnt exercise today. urgh.. partly due to busy-ness with Secretary's day.

I was just thinking yesterday.. How am I gonna lose (_)kg in 2 months! Thats like (_)kg a month. And judging on the rate Im going. Its like -impossible- SIGHS. I am depressed. As much as I refuse to admit... starving is the fastest way to lose weight. haha! fancy me saying this when I know its impossible for me to not eat.

oh wellss!so many things running through my head now.

Privacy

Okay. Shall blog more since I havent blogged for days.

Lesson 101: How to deal with Trish

1. Please Respect her Privacy.
2. Do not take her stuff(esp personal items) without permission
3. If you really want to look, ask her first.
4. Still. Please Respect her Privacy.

AHAH, to sum it up, I value Privacy. And I absolutely need it. Especially now. Many many things in my life which I keep absolutely quiet about.

Previously I was so open bout my ED and stuff. I was really fine talkin to anyone about it, and not afraid of anything. Whether they'll judge me or look at me in a different light. BUT ever since I started working, things are so different. I learnt that the world is not as receptive as one thinks. yes, it may be filled with wonderful people, but bear in mind... In a bed filled with roses, there're bound to be some harmful insects lurkin around. I am not referring to anyone in particular.. but just a general insight that i kinda reconciled with myself, with regards to this world I am in.

HAHA. nothing is PERFECT. Even the perfect high acheiver has his or her own insecurities. Even the perfect mom or dad has her or his own inadequacy. So I dont expect everyone to fully understand or accept me. and of course. my struggles. So instead of taking the gamble, for fear of meeting someone who'll judge you, I would rather just shut up. yupps.

So.. back to the issue on privacy. This dates all the way back to JC1. hahah. I remember keeefong was quite pissed at me for kaypoh-ing at her, typin her msg. BUT HEY... eh, ok, my fault. So, I dont know since when, I myself started to respect this sort of privacy a lot too. heh. like A LOT. especially if you're not close to me. My wary for the general public kinda doubled. I guess its quite good huh.

BUt yah, I really CANT STAND ppl flippin through my stuff WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. I MEAN, HELLLLLO! its MY STUFF! urgh.okay, there's a reason why I'm sayin all these.. as some of you might know. BUT I dont wish to continue any further. What's done cannot be undone. I just blame myself for being unable to show my anger and upset and pissedness(if there's such a word) OH WELLS. life still goes on!

OKOK.. cant blog anymore. shall update again when I have the time. till thennn.. TAKE CARE EVERYONE! AND JIA YOU TRISH! hahahah

SIGH

trish is troubled.

OH WELLS.

Mummy said that recently all my conversations have a lot of "sian" in them. like.."sian lah" or " damn sian la!" or "sian diao"...

urgh. but seriously. I AM SIAN!

today. I felt like puking again for no reason. When I returned from court, I received a msg from my student saying he wanna quit tuition. Then with a pile of documents to read and a list of docs to do, I just felt so damn stressed up! shits.

Firstly, okay. I am guilty. Holding so many so many jobs at one go, I know I am in some way or another, short-changing my students. sighs. But with a group of students, its so difficult to cater to all their learning pace. okay, to state things in simple terms, for my group of 3 doing maths, one scored 27/30 and the other scored 12/30! so what can i say? Different people got different learning styles. Its really difficult for me. So is it my fault that he did so badly? AND AND AND the worst thing is they are so unmotivated. Give them homework they never do. urgh. Set test for them they also nv ren4 xin1 zuo4. SO WHAT. None of them understands what the word "tired" means. rushing all the way, only to realise they cancelled tuition without me knowing! wakin up so early to give tuition on weekends, not havin a single day to rest, and yet not gettin appreciated. Sometimes, I think kids should think bout their own learning attitudes, before blaming the teacher!

OK, they didnt blame me. BUT STILL. I AM UPSET. FINE. I confess. I am pissed partially due to money issues. The reason why I charge so freakin damn cheap is cos I take into account its a group tuition. So since they negotiated, I relented and agreed to their meagre sum of fees. AND NOW, one student is quittin. So should I increase the price for the rest? And even if I want to, will they agree? And if I stop the tuition totally, it would mean the loss of a source of income... and also irresponsibility on my part!!!! SO NOW WHAT! urgh. I reallly reallllllyyy HATE to deal with all these issues with so many knots waiting to be untied in my head.

However, in retrospect, I also understand where they're coming from. sighs. I mean, you really want the best for yourself. So if you dont see results from the tuition, its just natural that you wanna quit. So I dont have anyone to blame, except myself. For being unable to create the miracle they want from me. SIGHS.

OKAY, moving on to something more exciting!! COURT COURT COURT!! hahahha.
I find this hearing quite exciting. Since everything's confidential, I cant really divulge much. HAHA. so yupps. BUT BUT... have been talkin more to the lawyers recently since I am practically stuck with Alvin and Prakash for the whole of friday and today! hahah. AHEM. MEAL TREATS.. total sum for lunch that came from my pocket is $0. haahah. trish is such a cheepo. BUT HEY.I deserved it.. taking down court notes till my hand hurts for the whole day! though Alvin doesnt really refer to it(he has his own notes), I dont care. HAHAH. Trish still deserves it. For doing saikang like unloading and packing of files for the ease of their reference...heh!! Things seems okay on our side. Hope tmr goes well.. its the summoning of another witness... So hope Alvin can shoot our defendant down AND SCORE THE GOALLLL.. hahahha! One thing bout the lawyers.. THEY ARE TOTALLY SOCCER ADDICTS! hahaha. as prakash says, full time soccer players, part time lawyers. SO VERY TRUE. AHEM.. he made me carry his bag back to office last friday cos HE HAD SOCCER and didnt wanna be late. HAHAHA. so what can I say.. THEY WORK HARD, PLAY HARD!

OH anyways, Prakash is SUCH A SWEEEEEET DADDY! He was tellin me how his little 5yr old tries to skip tennis training today!! She said she wanted to quit so she can spend time with her little sibling. But Prakash said, if she quits, its no more tennis forever. And she was like. "oh! then its okay. I'll go today!" HAHAHA. an attempt to be lazy.. FAILED. hahah. thats what happens when u have such a smart daddy huh?! haahha! OH MANS. SOOOOO CUTE. And u can see from his face, how much joy this daddy derives from talking bout his little ones. awwwwwwww....

HAHA! anyways.. SECRETARY's DAY IS COMIN UP NEXT WEEK. havent really came out with a concrete plan.. But this time, me and rachel, THE INTERNS!, are gonna take our own initiative to plan a day of events.WOOOHOOO! exciting man!

OHOH! before I forget... THANK YOU BHASKARAN!!! hahahah. He went to Perth in the weekends and before he left.. ahem ahem the super thick skinned tricia asked for something from Perth. So, sweeeet Bhaskaran actually got us this big box of macadamia nuts choc! woooots. damn nice lah. hahah. diet plans shall go on hold for a while. these chocs ae toooo good to resist. WHEEEE. THANKS BHASKARAN! hahahha.

Oh anyways, Tainers are gonna have a meeting soon.hmmm. this new guy in the company wants to introduce some new initiatives in the training for tainers. HMMM.. hahha. wonder whats it gonna be about. *curious* hahhah

And, very recently, my ranting time to someone has been limited... from unlimited amount of time to like.. what.. 10 minutes? sobs. sobs. sobs even more. haaha! okay its not that bad. Just that I pity that someone, with what little time he has, part of it is given up to hear this hopeless girl here rant. hahahh. Hope someone wont mind! eeeps! I think he wont lah. >.< He should be honoured lorrrr.. this busy girl reserve her night time waiting... waiting for phone call.. hahha. okay lah.. HEH!

yah. yah.

OOOOKIES. so for now.. shall go study for SATs for an hour before heading for bed! AND.. TMR IS A NEW DAY!! wheeee.. cant wait to go to high court again! speaking of which!! I RAN OUT OF WHITE TOPS. shits. hahah. shall go dig my mum's wardrobe. heh!!

sooo.. TOOOODLES

sobs

I wonder why I blogged so much today.

I feel like shit now. I am really really disgusted. with.. myself. I hate myself today. And I'm thinking whether to shift this post to my personal blog. But oh wells. forget it.

The day started off with me not having a proper nice breakfast due to the LACK OF FOOD AT HOME (i wonder why) All I had was some junk. cream puffs and milo. milo powder. some crap. and guess what. the whole day just got worst. okay, to do the cream puffs to justice, they were good. bread papa chocolate cream puffs. somehow, my hate for cream just dissolves when I pop the bread-papa into my mouth. BUT NO. no no no no. ok. yes. I am guilty.

I feel like a pig. seriously! I mean... okay. I dont wanna continue anymore. I know everyone now.. will start thinking. oh, trish is ranting again. she's not even fat lah! but wait a minute. Please STOP putting YOUR standards and weigh it against ME. If i'm not happy, I'm not. Stop it! I am tired!! Tired of hearing stuff, tired of lying to myself. Tired of thinking rationally. I have been psyco-ing myself for months thinking that yes, I look okay. But at this point in time, I hate myself. Its time for me to reconcile with my true feelings. I just want to hide in my room to cry. But nope, I lost that ability to cry over such stuff. sounds weird but i really really want to.

procrastination. something which I am terribly good at. Procrastinate diet plans. Procrastinate ALL MY FEELINGS. Procrastinate my own personal time to reflect. I really really wonder where all my determination went. The determination to not eat. I want it back... terribly. really really badly.

hmmm. suddenly remembered what melvyn talked to me about on saturday. "trish arh. you arh. not streetsmart... can call you naive. trust people so easily. people say what you also believe. must learn leh." and then he went on "you dont even know where chinatown is.. blah blah blah.. like that how to be a tourguide. must go and find out hor." OK. I think he say this out of concern and I'm really not angry or anything. in fact. he made me think. those words, not streetsmart.. naive... hit me like arrows. I guess thats the worst worst thing you can ever say to me. yes, u can call me fat, stupid, brainless. BUT dont ever ever call me naive. it hurts so much. Of course I didnt appear hurt at all. just silent for quite some time. then went to meet the rest. HMMM. I think I'm really good at acting that I'm always happy and fine. but yes, the words are still resonating in my head. Me. naive.? ok, maybe I really am.

Oh. and he also asked me why am i not in a relationship. Guess everyone who knows me well enough.. understands my take on this whole issue. There is no such thing as love at first sight for me. and I must be able to see that person as a husband before even considering. So yes. Once again. melvyn said.." you see.. naive lor. when u go into your first relationship you wont even know how to react to what he says or do. most people only really know what kind of person they are looking for after a few relationships. And for u.. do you even know what you want?! nice? caring? sweet? thoughtful? no temper? high tolerance?...." and i said "all lor." And mel told me. angels dont exist. Oh wells. If they dont. then too bad for me. I know they dont. But who cares. I never felt that I needed to enter a relationship despite how my mum thinks its absolutely necessary and is a must. hey. I can survive on MY own. oh wells. once again. I dont want to go on anymore.

Anyways, I feel broke all of a sudden. 12 J-Co donuts sitting in my fridge. bought them from raffles city. TOLD YOU... SEEEE.. procrastination of diet plans. provided they even exist in my dictionary now. shits. OH wells. Trish shall just suck all the rest of her life. Thanks.

hmmmm

"Graduation (Friends Forever)"

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real blue
Stay at home talking on the telephone
We would get so excited and we'd get so scared
Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels

[1] - As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come Whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels

[Repeat 1]

La, la, la, la:
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la:
We will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Hmm. Previously I always ALWAYS thought that this song was over-used, not interesting, and give it the " oh, that song again" attitude.

But seriously, pause and look. Look. Look at the lyrics. sighs. As I was walking home one day with earphones plugged in, I listened to this song, properly. for once. And it made so much sense. It drew so much similarities. It meant so much. so much.

Sighs. I remember......


oh wells. Reminiscence. nostalgia.

memories

while walking to 7-11 to get some coke-light before coming to work. I saw something so so familiar.

This girl, sitting right there. With a whole pile of papers spread across her table. Her tired face looks exasperated, an expression of helplessness. With an empty bottled drink right there beside here, she laid both hands in her hair and ruffled them a little. yes, tiredness. you just know you have to. you just do.

Although it was only a short glance at her, she caught my eye. Not because she's really gorgeous(or maybe she is, didnt take a closer look) but because all these seem so close to my heart. A constant struggle. yes, a never-ending one.
I see myself in her. I empathise with her. I understand her struggles. I really do.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then I think back on my life. Oh my, I realise how much I've changed. How different I am now. Yes, prodding on another stepping stone. Just that this one I'm on now, moves exceptionally fast. Too fast for me to catch my breath. Too fast for me to look around me. Too fast for me to think. Too fast for me to CRY.


A new chapter of life, a new beginning. And for now, I close the previous chapter and I wonder, would I want to relive those moments again. Do I?

My Personal Statement

MY PERSONAL STATEMENT

On my way home after a long yet satisfying day at work, I walked past Secret Recipe and decided to reward myself with a cup of coffee and a slice of cheesecake. There and then, as I lay my fork on the cheesecake, I saw myself in it. This dessert sits right in front of me and with its innocent eyes, gazed at me. Its pure white body looks seemingly innocent but is a combination of convolution and density. And there we have, its crisp biscuit crust, supporting and giving my cheesecake its structure and form.

This is my life.

Alike the crust, my values act as a basis in all the decisions and choices I make in my life. They are simple and can be summarised into three words, integrity, passion and appreciation. It serves as a supporting pillar, an avenue to always fall back on when everything seems impossible. No doubt, it is rough when circumstances threaten my hold on these values. However, it stays strong and tough, still supporting this cheesecake of mine.

White, a colour of innocence yet one of vulnerability as well. This soft cheese filling of my cheesecake in turn represents my life experiences. It is what this cheesecake is mainly made up of and also, what makes up the bulk of my life. As I allowed the cheese to melt in my mouth, I taste a blend of sweetness, bitterness and sourness as well. Similarly, my life is a mixture of tears and joy. I would say that I am a very lucky girl, blessed with a wonderful family and many brilliant friends. However, like anyone else, I have my insecurities and I constantly aim for perfection. More often than not, instead of getting accomplished, I stretch myself too thin on all areas and end up getting hurt. Two years back, I was entrenched in a process of obsessing about my image and became a victim of an eating disorder. Life was nothing but pure pushing, no aims, no ideals but emptiness. Through the care of the team of professionals at Singapore General Hospital (SGH) and coupled with my determination and bravery, I emerged from it as a more attractive girl. Now, my life is about dreams and I aim to help people in need to ease them from all of their discomfort and I want to make a difference in their lives. I learnt to appreciate everyone around me and above all, love myself. Being invited to the opening ceremony of SGH’s LIFEcentre and getting interviewed by SGH’s OutramNow as a recovered patient is a testimony of my achievement.

I live on passion now, one that drives me for improvement. Singing is my love, a sanctuary that allows myself to put down all troubles and just immerse into the music. In chorale, I exhibited unabated fervour and exceptional self-motivation towards the self-mastery of choral pieces. During the annual chorale camp in 2007,I was given the chance to be a group leader and was dependable, making sure that all my members was well accounted for. In the weeks leading up to the SYF competition, I initiated morning practices and reached out to juniors who needed help. With my driving passion, I motivated both my section and the choir through this trying period. Though we clinched a silver award in the end, Raffles Chorale still remains as a place that means heaven to me.

I no longer see obstacles as an impediment to my life but as a stepping-stone for something better. Looking at my A’ Levels results, it was far from my expectations. However, I am able to look at it from a more objective point of view now and reconcile with it. I know that with these grades, the journey to the next stable point in life would be tougher. Nevertheless, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I know that no matter which path I take, with perseverance and resilience, I will still reach my final destination. Life to me is about discovery, prodding on all of these stepping-stones and learning new things about myself. With the same biscuit crust below, I experiment with different ingredients for my cheese filling. With the same life values rooted in my heart, I build up my life on various experiences and encounters. Life like baking is a nonstop exploration and searching for alternatives and chances.

As I conclude my essay, I continue stirring my mixing bowl and vision to finish off my cheesecake with a cherry on top.

me

I really feel like crying all of a sudden. Here I am trying to write my personal statement and here I am also feeling so emotional . sighs. kevin kern is playing on this com and it just does wonders. You never fail to touch my heart. I think I ever said to u guys that kevin kern was the one that saw me through my insomnia days when I was in the ward. Listening to You every night and falling asleep with You. All this just brings me back to the past.

I guess for quite long I've been kicking away any any thoughts of foood and depression or weight and obsession. All these seems so foreign to me now. When I was telling Intekhab( THE lawyer) about my past, I don't say it with so much passion anymore. It was once part of me, Now its going further and further away. Frankly speaking, I really dont want You to go away completely despite all the torture you have given me. Itekhab was saying " If you were my daughter, I would have given you a slap long ago" HAH. okay now as i think back, I dont want this slap no matter whether it will wake me up from this whole torture or not and miraculously swing me back to where i'm supposed to be. I really dont want it. In fact, I want to go through this. This whole process. Every bit of it.

I have never regretted having an eating disorder. HAh. Maybe it is god's Plan, He has a reason for everything. And I, as a sinner, gladly accepts it with both hands and a gentle bow. Thank you for putting me through all these. sincerely. You allowed me to mature from a little girl to a young lady now. You allowed me to see through many things that I was previously blinded by. You allowed me to find a purpose in life and live in your hands. You allowed me to follow your lead. You....

It was tough. It really was. No matter how happy I always seem at home(maybe not) or in school, It was seriously a struggle. A struggle of to be or not to be, to do or not to do, to live or not to live. Its a matter of life and death. So many times I've contemplated the thoughts of suicide, but in your hands, I emerged as a beautiful young girl now. Alive. My life was in your hands, but day by day, I learn to relinquish the control I once had. And now, I take it from you, a life of my own, with both hands and a bow once again.

Thank you.

god?

hmmm after a day at MnA and tuition for izac. hmmm. i feel slightly emo now. probably cause i am listening to some music. sighs. music really touches my heart. Anyways. A's results confirm out this friday. was telling I.tekhab that i am immune to results. which is really true.sighs. I dont know. emotions. void of any? oh wells. I am really emo now. shit. and tmr there's work

I really LOVE my job at MnA. its really a GREAT exp. serious. I thank god for everything and anything. the experience, the colleagues, RACHEL, alll the lawyers.. the ever non stop F-ing all the way Intekhab, th nice nice daddy Alvin, the Ever puts on a nice smile to me Aftab, the most handsomest Prakash, and the only not married Bhaskaran. ahhaha! u guys, although dont interact with me, I appreciate everything you guys do. Just a smile, opening the door for me.blah blah. though i really REALLY wanna talk more to you guys. REALLy. you guys seem like such nice dudes. but for now.. i guess i just stay where i am and do my stuff. I'll pray that all of you DO REALLY REALLY WELL in your career.. and Bhaskaran.. find the love of your life soon.

BUT. i do feel insecure at times. I feel lousy as I think my English cant meet up to the requirements. SOmething about this job, you really have to show that you are Strong and not weak. Like you're oh so always on the ball( BUT I AM, so thats not a problem) but yes, I must work harder. nothing can make me back away. So PERSEVERE TRISH. Its tiring and in such a stressful env, you have to make the best out of everything. so just do your best trish. you really really can do this. HAVE FAITH IN MYSELF=)

Mum was saying. Pray to God when u feel down. Me? God? I've been rejecting everyone and anyone in my life.. who am I to turn to God now when I'm pushing everyone away. sighs.I'm really very VERY disappointed with myself. My attitude. Yesterday mum said she was disappointed with how I'm acting these days. and i teared. I expressed anger, saying "I dont need more stress from you mum. I dont need anymore degration of my character when I already degrade myself to the pits everytime" I said she wasnt understanding. That she's just putting me down. But deeeep down, I know its my fault. All mine. I really think i suck.

And TODAY is the first day i booked an appt from SGH on my own. sigh. Maybe i really need help.

thinking again

oppps, view in private blog

thinking twice.

oppps, view in private blog