guilty

I've never felt such guilt in such a long time. Now, its back again. sighs.

Feeling super miserable and hopeless.

There's a lot of things I cant say here. Oh wells bye bye

hmmmm.

view in private blog

SATs

so.. just saw my SAT scores. hmm. i didn't make the cut for smu law. but its ok!! cos i dont wanna do it anyways. wont say I'm damn happy bout the results.. just satisfied.. ask me personally if u wanna know more(:

hmm. recently I've been crying less.. mood slightly more stable... anyways.. trust tutors isnt that bad afterall. they waived my termination acct fee of $55. but with regards to the $300.. they'll offer me 3 kids to match! so its really not that bad! probably get to earn back the monthly sign-up fee..

MOE teaching award? should i? shouldn't i? teaching? hmmm. i dunno.. 4 years of tuition fees. 4 years of bond. $4000 living expenses a year..oh wells

hahah! anyways, kel was so funny. he said army organised a half-marathon..ME?? i cant run for NUTS now.. too much bulge here and there. too heavy to move... HAHAH. oh mans, if i were to run, I would look like a lump of lard amongst the steak. HAHAHHAHAHHA!! ok.. im laughing while i'm imagining all the participants as foood!?! like mascots moving around! ahahahahahah!

anyways.. went out with sis and bro for IRON MAN(IMM.. hahah) on sunday!plus dinner @ dingtaifeng. JIE's TREAT..so lets take a look at some of the highlights of the DAY!

of eating and drinking and more eating and drinking

hahah! didnt know the dinner would be so much fun!
so.. some highlights during the dinner!

AHHHHH

shit. shit. shit. shit.

OH MANS! how! I never knew.. or more like I assumed.

Okay.. I am reallly reallly damn upset!

you know.. sometimes I'm amazed by my ability to talk to people..be it colleagues or friends, about stuff which I really hate myself for. Here I am smiling at them, complaining.. and taking everything easy.. and when I go home.. I'll just break into tears. I really wonder at times.. how do I do that.

Anyways.. was just talking to Faith(the other superduper secretary!).. She say that she knows I'm a very insecure person.. no confidence in myself.. yea.. i totally get what she means.. but just that I never knew it became so IN me that its so evident from the outside. I agree with her.. yet I hate it.. Hate it so much for not being able to hide my weaknesses? And apart from that.. I really hate it that I'm so insecure! sighssss! why cant I just be person A.. person B.. Why must I be myself. I feel so lousy and weak. So stupid and shit..SIGH.. but what can I do!? After so many stupid stuff.. I'm just glad I'm still alive.

I hate to reconcile with the fact that my tolerance for insults, tolerance for shits, tolerance to remain sane, tolerance for stress, tolerance for EVERYTHING is just so so so LOW. I hate it.. so much. WHY AM I SO VULNERABLE! WHY.

I'm damn stressed bout the submissions on hand! I know that whatever it is, this is like the last straw for us to win this case. sighs. I really really want to do a good job. really.

WORK HARD TRISH.

SHIT

Sometimes, I just feel like appearing as if I'm totally okay. Anyways, thats what you people out there want to see huh?! oh wells! But too bad. You can call me stupid, you can label me as an attention seeker, or useless, frail and dumb. But that's just who I am. So screw it.

Things in the office have been better. Things at home? lets see... hmmm. 2nd week already?

I just feel like leaving everything behind me. And if anyone of you think that I am loser. I really don't care. I am not gonna even try to evoke some pity in anyone of you for me because I don't even think I am pitiful. I don't expect anyone to understand since I myself, don't really understand why I'm acting the way I do. But let's just say... leave me alone. thanks. Stop undermining everything.

sorry

I dont feel like talking.
I dont feel like messaging.
I dont feel like going out.

No reason. I just dont feel like it.

sorry...

sigh

all i need is a legitimate excuse. the only thing holding me back is that. sighs

drinking?

haha. just realised last night that my take for alcohol's quite low. heh! oh wells!

back to square one

okay. so its back to deep shits again. oh wells. not new to me i guess. SIGH. the only consolation I have is that I wont be schooless.

I know that I can deal with this... and the only reason why I think I can do it is because I hang on to a little faith and hope that my appeals for NTU will work. sighs. plus, SMU havent called me up.. maybe i got it? (though rach, who was in the same interview rm with me got called up for smu biz tea session this morning.) please tell me this is not the end. please.

anyways life's not gettin a single bit better. I look in the mirror and hate whatever I see.. everything. i just hate myself.

So... today I talked to elaine(the superwoman secretary) about my resignation.. hmmm.. probably end of june, i told her.. Sigh..
So, apart from crying in my bed after looking at NTU's letter, my mind was just filled up with "should i? shouldnt i? resign..." thoughts the whole of yesterday. I know I cant be so irresponsible cos there's still A*L*O's matter (*to preserve the confidentiality of the case) pending and A*L's submissions for Alvin... And Alvin's already so tied up.. hope my little efforts relieve him off some of it.. I'm really really trying my best to do what I can.. the case's really so difficult to understand...I really.. am trying. throughout half the meeting last week, I was still trying to understand **'s accent and terms he's using..trying my best to pen down whatever I can.. blah blah blah.. yet all I get from HIM is... "just ask that girl to write whatever she wrote in the meeting lah." or "dont look for me. look for Alvin" or "Busy, sorry"... I hate it so badly sometimes.. sighs.. and thats when he's in a good mood.. if his mood gets bad... "f-ing shit you're giving me" or "you're so irritating, I got so much stuff and here u are giving me this f-ed up work" yuppp, things along those lines.

And it doesnt help when either trish.. or the ed in me starts comparing with..... Once again.. it becomes mentally draining.. emotionally torturous..

But then again.. I really love my table, my colleagues, our PANTRY (we just stock it up today!! exciting huh!) HIM, with his -once-in-a-while- good mood's generosity.. Oh.. and the rest of the lawyers.. (aren't they just so adorable.. ha if any of them were to see this.. they'll probably freak out!) yupp.. but seriously.. they are so funny at times, and they make u feel important and really APPRECIATE what u do for them. AND of course.. the super-duper SECRETARIES as well..

I really dont know how much am I helping the lawyers (or am i making things worst?)Do I really make a difference here? And since it builds up on my already piling insecurities and makes me feel so lousy.. why move on with it.. when I know this is gonna be my only only real break in a long long time. And I guess I'll be better off doing voluntary work in SGH, making much more of a difference in other's lives and making life more meaningful for me...sighs. but yes, responsibility. and I dont want HIM to look down on me.. thinking that I'm a quitter cos NO, I'm NOT.

oh wells.

Anyways, on a side note, I dreamt of someone jumping off the building yesterday.. and flashes of this particular dream keeeeeeps reappearing in my head today. OK. maybe a hint? maybe a sign? a signal? hahaha. okay. no, just joking.

Oh, many people have been asking me bout the bruise on my upper arm and I always tell them that I probably fell off the bed and it just appeared the next morning..(but did I??) haha. oh wells. dont wanna talk bout it anymore.

SO.. life sucks once again.. and its just sucks more and more as the days go by.

-THE END-

life

SUCKS

if this continues any longer. i dont know what i'll do.

life sucks. to the max

many many things running through my head now.

but none of which i can blog right here.

so. yes.

eventful night. eventful day.

anyways. work has been sucky. i am so so so soaked in profanities. i feel so degraded. so worthless. sometimes i wonder.. why did i put myself through all this shit! but then again. its a really good learning experience. I mean.. there's always trade-offs for everything. Just that... recently so many things have been stressing me up.both emotionally and mentally. thats not mentioning feelings of self dejection due to physical "inadequacies". Thus, leading to me..... yes.

So.. recently many things have changed. apart from exercising more regularly, feeling suckier, becoming more reserved at home(haha, depends on how one looks at this.)... yes, vulgarities. tell me about it man. lets just say.. it doesnt play as much a big deal as it did in the past. oh wells. So lets just put it in simpler terms and look at myself in a bigger picture sense.. i am hating the world around me now, in particular myself. I am a lot more sensitive now (in a negative sense). And.. things just havent been looking good.

I know I'm not making much sense here. but. yes. thats the point man. I am losing it. Losing the ability to think rationally, objectively and most of all, sensibly. things haven't looked that bad ever since a year or two back. I wonder how i'm gonna salvage all this shit I'm in. this life of mine.

but! to end on a lighter note. I know this is not the end. As dr lee told me 2 years back or so.. if you look at life (then, it was referred to as recovery) as this graph, you may be at this point here (points at the lowest dip of the zig-zag curve)... but look at the general trend.. and u see its still going upwards. so.. what can i say. once again.. life has met the pits for me again! so lets just wait.. wait.. and see things go up again.

bye bye