move on

okay. probably this is gonna be the last time(i hope)i am gonna rant about my results. haiz. i wont say that i am ok. but yea. as wad ms tan told me.. its not the time to be upset bout your results but rather see what has gone wrong. the post mortem. really glad to all that stood by me when i was really sad. hmmm. its been so long. so long since i felt so emotionally unstable. hmmmm. i thought it was history. even in my roughest days, i dont cry much anymore. i scream and get depressed. but not cry. hmmmm. but yea. i guess tuesday was memorable. in a bad sense though. the feeling of helplessness. uncontrollable emotions. all once again, found its way back to me.

hmmmm i wonder if i over-reacted that day.almost didnt wanna go home.i kinda threatened my mama that maybe its bcos of my studying style and maybe the olvls crazy, madness gulping down of all shou ces and hist/ss text is wad i need. the whole "dun sleep dun eat just study study study" syndrome. hmmm. but i know that i said that to frighten her. to show how exasperated i am. sorry. i just didnt know wad else to do. and the moment i reached home.. i started screaming at my bro. it really reminded me of the days when i cried nonstop when he refuses to eat a biscuit i gave him. or just do any small thing that i asked him to. poor little ryan. have to put up with this insufferable sister at such a young age. sigh. but since then, ive been trying to make it up to him. loving him more, caring more bout him. and ya, just guide him along in his path of life.

sigh. ok. 7 more weeks to h3phy and gp prelims. 8 more weeks to the rest.its either now or never. ive started taking initiatives to see the teachers for consultation. guess wad i need now is guidance. i mean. this is a little too much for me and the whole feeling of helplessness. in the past it was just gp. now its everything. seriously EVERYTHING. hmmmm. but i know i have to move on.
what doesnt kill you will make you stronger
haiz.

mr chong told me that i should start assuring myself. and rewarding myself. just loving trish more=) it can be as simple as saying i can do it. but yea. it's quite difficult for me.. cos the only words i can say about myself now is "i suck" or "i am stupid" so ya. maybe i should start praying to God. leave it in the hands of God.i tried in the bus that day.would say that it kinda made me feel better.. but yea. i know that its more impt that i get out of this myself. hmmm



ill think through this. and till then i'll work hard and keep ms tan in my prayers.(provided i do pray) hahah. take care everyone=)

results

SIGH. i am seriously disappointed with my results. i mean. 3S 1D its like.. omg. and i cant believe i did worse for phy than cheechin. like HUH? how's that possible. but oh wells sigh.
rant quite a bit to quite a feww people. ms tan, mr chong, ms yeo, chinny, gen, mrs neo.. sigh..sometimes, i wonder whether i am just gaining sympathy. sigh. i dun feel like talking bout it anymore. tired.
i am gonna work damn hard from today. start at 9.15=)

a trip back to the past

just posted this on ulu:
"hello people. i'm here doing the physics revision tutorial. sigh sigh sigh. hmmmm.. CT results sucked totally.hmmm.. i wonder if i am numb to results. i just feel so unfeeling and kinda numb these days. maybe i appeared really sad. but i dunno it myself. haha... first paper to fail in rjc.. wheee. congrats man. at this point in time of the year. i never had so many insecurities with my studies until this year. dont ask me why. maybe i am just too bothered with stupid stuff. heck. stop giving myself excuses. i dont know. but i seriously am worried. i yearn for the days where i am able to pick up any math exam papers and just do without difficulty. i yearn to be able to just have all the memorised facts shooting out of my mouth on demand. i was so confident then. a part of me which i felt safe and secure. but gone are those days. but i guess all these so called "confidence" has its price to pay. sleeping less than an hr a day for consecutive 3 months. crying at the slightless thing. emotional instability. physical weakness. mental struggle. just tiring. hmmmm.. but i am still amazed but how much my body can take. hahha. like the limits.but then again, as mr toh said, u never know your limits. does that mean i can go further than that? i really wanna know, but dont wanna try. more like i am unable to. hahha.. wonder if its a good or bad thing.

realise that recently i've been opening up a lot more on this public blog.. hmmm.. am i more vulnerable? am i seeking for sympathy? i really dont know. hahhaha.. someone.. ahem, once talked to me bout impulses and how it drives us to do something we actually would not have done if we thought it through long enough. so i often wonder whether i'll regret my actions. but then again, i have been regretting throughout my whole life. so why not just work on impulses.. haha.. if there are any consequences to bear, then face it bravely. i dont know. hmmmm.. easier said than done

oh wells. on thur was support group. i felt really comfortable with some of them. really happy for nichole(who appeared on channel U on wed) that she is currently sitting at the supporters rather than survivors end. hahah. watched this video.. errr called "starving for perfection" hmmmm..half of it. yea. i didnt feel much for the video. i really dont know why..shouldnt i be agreeing and nodding my head thruout the whole video? but i dont see much similarities to draw myself with. sigh sigh sigh. should i be happy? i dont know.

hmmm split up for discussion session. aka... throw out all your sorrows.. cry, rant scream(maybe not), talk, listen and draw strength and encouragement from. haiz. felt really bored. i dont know why. but was kinda inspired by a girl who's in 1styr med sch. she's almost recovered and is on a proj to raise funds for the ED clinic. wheee.. i'll go all out to support her man! yea. i dunno! ah! asked her bout medicine as a major and sheasked me to go with my heart. but oh wells. i'm not even sure how i feel and what i'm aiming for. all i know is i dont want a deskbound job.. something which is meaningful? psychiaTRISH?psychologist?social wker?teacher? or maybe hotel management? eh. sth gotta do with PR. YEP.but haiyoh. dun wanna think bout it.

went up to the ward. a place where i feel really really comfortable in. helllo! i was in there for a month. hmmmm. i really love the nurses.hugs hugs. and even the ahmas and ahgongs who are in there with me. hahahha.. kinda never fail to cheer them up which makes me really happy with myself. sigh. but mummy doesnt like me to go up. oh wells. hahahah.. i think this post is getting personal. opps. yea.. i dont know whether this time round i should regret going up. (against mummy's wishes) kinda felt weird. i dunno. guess i have talked to a few people about this. i really dont know wad i'm feeling? am i like happy for myself that i am ok? or am i upset that they managed to stay in it longer than me? does that mean they have a higher perseverance? does that mean that i lost to it and gave up earlier? that my determination isnt strong enough? okokok. stop. i am sounding so sick here. i have to come to terms with it. i have to differentiate wads good and wads not for myself. i have to think of the people around me.i cant be so selfish. ew.

but yea i love my life now.. i am obviously not ready to give it up. i wont give it up! and i cant anyways. hahah.. lost the ability to(which i dont know whether if its a good thing) hmmm.. hahhah! ok! enough of my nonsense! urgh! go away! shoooo! hahhaha.. yep. lalalala..

sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh! anyways.. i shall stop talking bout my struggles as it will only show how self centred i am. i cant stand it. i think i am an unfeeling idiot who only cares about myself. EW, YUCK. why am i like that. i hate myself for that. ew. disappointment.

OKAY. trish work hard! jia yous! dun be lazy! dun be a stubborn freak! love your yeye nai nai mummy daddy jie jie and ryan more. love your friends more! love this world more. anyways. on a sidenote. someone once told me. if u eradicated "should" from your dictionary.. you'll be a much happier person. all the should haves, should nots, urgh. only setting up yourself for guilt and disappointment. yep.. so friend out there. think bout it. and lets all try to appreciate ourselves more and not live in regrets.

-the greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return-



okay. some stuff i couldnt say. GEN n KIM love u guys loads. we were on this path together. now that i am better(i hope) i wish u guys all the best on your path towards recovery. shuzhen, happy for u that u are better. but i cant deny that i have my reservations. give me time. i dont wanna befriend u for the sake of my ed. yea. have to think thru it carefully this time. take care. and to ryan, gorden, moses and carin.. love u loads. jia you tooo.. hugs. muacks!

courage - superchick

courage- by superchick

courage lyrics

Courage
I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Someday I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm OK
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not OK
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Someday I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Someday I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day


sky
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
hmmm.. an anorexia song. sigh.. my past. gone forever. i dont miss the days. but oh wells. look forward trish. u are doing fine
jia yous!

Moulin Rouge-Come What May

Moulin Rouge - Come What May

An American Tail - Somewhere Out There

i love this

the prince of egypt -when you believe(spanish)

Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey When you believe

Somewhere Out There

kelly clarkson a moment like this

when God ran

i really really love this. sigh

SIGH a binge

i'm really really sad now. just finished a huge binge. be strong trish.. hugs

lalalla sigh sigh sigh! just drank oreo choc bubble tea and some duria flavoured biscuits. but but but its st after dinner.. oh wells. talking to chinny makes me feel a lot better. but yea. i feel like a fat rolly polly. disgusting! my skirt is so damn tight today but ya, stubbornme refuse to loosen the buckle to make me feel more comfortable.(even insisted on folding the skirt, which only made things worst)
sigh sigh sigh! i miss the dayssss when my skirt was looose. sigh! wad a weird thing to say

anyways, trish is gonna start revision real soooon. in fact today! yupps. jia you trish. tmr appt! say wad u want and wad u need. trrrrrryyyy not to visit sz in the ward. or more like DONT. yea. sigh sigh! take care! lovessss u

hello. hmmmm.. just finished 2 papers. yep. econs. hmmm.. i dunno. ok i guess. but chem SUCKS LIKE SHIT. hmmmm.. sighs. but its ok. i mean.. hmmmm.. i dun really expect to do well this CTs anyways. but no trish, u musnt give up. hmmmm.. ms tan is back. but havent really seen her around. wonder if she is fine. frankly speaking, i kinda can understand how she's feeling cos i once was really stressed for my O's. to the extreme i guess. haha. yep not a laughing matter. okies. about my attitude towards CTs.. hmmm.. i guess i am quite emotionless. i used to be really scared and have all those gitters before papers. but now, everything seem to have disappeared. in the past, i would have mugged really hard before the paper. but yea, take it quite easy now. hmmm.. chinny says maybe i am enlightened and kinda see more impt things in life now. but i dun think so. its just a feeling of.. hmmm. undescribable. dun ask me.

i am starting to feel that i dont know myself well at all.. sigh. self discovery and self acceptance. yep. work on that trish. hmmm.. okies... oh wells.. i got nothing much to say anyways.. shall update more aft CTs..

things i have to blog about: chinny's msg; da jie's wedding; sis and mummy!! my love for class 95 hahah! okie till then, take care. and dun binge. try not to eat bread later. yea. though u are alone, work on your self control man. anyways, really proud that i took proper meals for ALL MY MEALS TODAY. yay! cheers. really proud of myself. okies. i better go. love u trish. work hard trish. dun give up trish.

trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
heyy
Zhao Feng says:
hihi
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
haha!
Zhao Feng says:
hows mugging?
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
like shit
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
but oh wellls
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
how's yours?
Zhao Feng says:
haha well try ur best i guess
Zhao Feng says:
oh
Zhao Feng says:
er..
Zhao Feng says:
bad but whatever
Zhao Feng says:
been working on my h3 lit
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
coools
Zhao Feng says:
cause its for a lvls and its due soon
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
ooooh..
Zhao Feng says:
more impt than cts
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
gd that u prioritise
Zhao Feng says:
haha k
Zhao Feng says:
u up so late?
Zhao Feng says:
or usual?
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
yea
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
haha
Zhao Feng says:
same for me nowadays
Zhao Feng says:
becoming nocturnal
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
for me its more.. hmmm... i dunno
Zhao Feng says:
try to sleep regularly
Zhao Feng says:
otherwise cts die
Zhao Feng says:
like mornign papers
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
haha.. to fall asleep for me its like so difficult
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
much less to say sleep regularly
Zhao Feng says:
sigh...
Zhao Feng says:
u can try exercising
Zhao Feng says:
works for me
Zhao Feng says:
tires me out
Zhao Feng says:
then easier to sleep
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
hahah! exercise! hahaha sounds foreign to me
Zhao Feng says:
trust me it is as foreign to me
Zhao Feng says:
im like pale skinnyn etc.
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
haha.. no lah
Zhao Feng says:
haah but it does work cause then u are too tired to think about anything and ur brain just goes off
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
hmmmm..
Zhao Feng says:
really!
Zhao Feng says:
but u become a bit wide awake for a while first
Zhao Feng says:
an hour later become tired faster
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
zhaofeng
Zhao Feng says:
yar?
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
do u often find yourself wallowing in self pity?
Zhao Feng says:
not so much anymore
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
haha..
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i dunno...
Zhao Feng says:
just remember that there is so much more out there
Zhao Feng says:
so many weird crazy pitiable and yet admirable stuff
Zhao Feng says:
i dunno how to say
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
haha get wad u mean
Zhao Feng says:
just that when u turn ur thougths elsewhere its better
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i kinda hate myself
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i dunno
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
AHHHH!
Zhao Feng says:
but why?
Zhao Feng says:
stupid question..
Zhao Feng says:
it used to happen to me too..
Zhao Feng says:
u are piscean right?
Zhao Feng says:
wait i show u sth
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
aries
Zhao Feng says:
early aries?
Zhao Feng says:
wait i check the astrology map thingy first
Zhao Feng says:
http://www.astrology-online.com/pisces.htm
Zhao Feng says:
i think u read both pisces and aries
Zhao Feng says:
i dunno
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
hahah ok
Zhao Feng says:
i like doing these personality things cause it feels like somebody or sth understand u
Zhao Feng says:
yar well but i dunno if it wld work for u
Zhao Feng says:
do u usually think about possibilities?
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
hmmm like
Zhao Feng says:
like what kinds of things may change or happen?
Zhao Feng says:
like the future instead of things that already are
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
not really
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i yearn for perfection
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
but yahhh.. dun think much bout future
Zhao Feng says:
cuase if u yearn for perfection so much
Zhao Feng says:
and of course nothing is perfect
Zhao Feng says:
inncluding the present
Zhao Feng says:
which u can see very clearly
Zhao Feng says:
then wont it be like very painful
Zhao Feng says:
like i dunno..
Zhao Feng says:
like how i want to be so many things and want so many things
Zhao Feng says:
all of which i am not and do not have now
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i dunno..
Zhao Feng says:
and everything like cannot quite change
Zhao Feng says:
the past the present
Zhao Feng says:
but in the future so many things may hapen
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i know.. thats y i'm still learning here how to let go
Zhao Feng says:
i dunno...
Zhao Feng says:
just trying to find out how i slipped into this strange positiveness recently
Zhao Feng says:
like suddenly there are so many roads and opportunities and hope for so much stuff
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
hahahah..
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
gd for youuuuu..
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
heeee..
Zhao Feng says:
how are u doing?
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
not very good
Zhao Feng says:
like at least compared to few months ago are u beter?
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
but still coping i guess..
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
hmmmm.. nopes
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
last week was kinda bad
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
like really really bad
Zhao Feng says:
TRICIA!!!!!!!
Zhao Feng says:
cannot!!
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
so i am seeing my psychologist like every week or once in two weeks
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
yea
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i know...
Zhao Feng says:
i dunno but why?
Zhao Feng says:
what happened?
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
hmmmm.. haha. stupid stuff
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
revolving ard similar issues
Zhao Feng says:
stupid stuff are actualy not at all stupid they just sound stupid..
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
hahah.. but like weight?!? how stupid can it get
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
yah...
Zhao Feng says:
like i said it just sounds stupid
Zhao Feng says:
because there is much more to it than that which is like inexpressible
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
that i agree
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i wrote a post on my clique blog
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
www.ulutootkia.blogspot.com
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
yea..
Zhao Feng says:
k
Zhao Feng says:
well...
Zhao Feng says:
if anythign at all at least i can appreciate ur sensitivity and ur desire for ideals
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
appreciate?
Zhao Feng says:
its not a negative thing at all
Zhao Feng says:
cause so few pplw have it
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
more like loathe.. at least thats how i feel
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
hahha
Zhao Feng says:
no
Zhao Feng says:
very few pple see how bvaluable it is
Zhao Feng says:
i did theatre for a while
Zhao Feng says:
very badly
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
ur huh
Zhao Feng says:
i jsut go on stage and shiver and get stage fright and feel lousy lousy
Zhao Feng says:
but my teacher told me that it only means that i have ideals
Zhao Feng says:
that i am very saensitive
Zhao Feng says:
cause if u value things so much and get attached to them u get hurt easily
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
hmmmm..
Zhao Feng says:
but then consider how in singapore no one seems to care about anything
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
thats true
Zhao Feng says:
to me being sensitive means so much more
Zhao Feng says:
cause there are ideasl u hope for
Zhao Feng says:
there are things u feel are important and thigns u can devote urself to
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
but u know.. i feel really bad at times.. putting my family through all these
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
and i was asked once.. whether on my deathbed i want to be known as someone who is of a certain wt and figure
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
yah... i dun want to
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i dun want to be known as such a superficial being
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
at least i believe im not
Zhao Feng says:
of course not..
Zhao Feng says:
ur ideal is not just the weight thingy
Zhao Feng says:
its i dunno...more complicated
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i agree..
Zhao Feng says:
like an ideal that is sth like being loved
Zhao Feng says:
being appreciated
Zhao Feng says:
being ideal
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
and its like.. sometimes i think i do things for attention
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
like i dun f'm living for myselfeel that i
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i dun feel like im living for myself
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
yea.. like for others
Zhao Feng says:
thats probably why u can say u dont want to be known for ur weight and figure
Zhao Feng says:
cause other people are impt to u
Zhao Feng says:
their opinions count a lot
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
yeaa... totally nodding my head
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i really admire those who are able to say wad they feel
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
and recently in a sec sch gathering..
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i felt really put down
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
like they make me sound as if i was contained in my small little wrld, immature n unexposed
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
n said stuff like... its ok, trish u'll grow up one day
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
and it makes me upset
Zhao Feng says:
ugh a lot of pple do that..
Zhao Feng says:
liek even parents
Zhao Feng says:
like ur experiences are not valid
Zhao Feng says:
like they experienced more understand more and everything
Zhao Feng says:
urs are smaller scale
Zhao Feng says:
but what i see is that pple who just say what they feel can do so cause they care less
Zhao Feng says:
like i have this classmate who practically embodies it sometimes
Zhao Feng says:
offensive also cause hes quite extreme
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
hmmmm..
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
no EQ
Zhao Feng says:
its bc he thinks his feelings and emotions are that valid
Zhao Feng says:
and since they are true tehn he can say the
Zhao Feng says:
not matter what
Zhao Feng says:
no matter if they offend others
Zhao Feng says:
no matter if others end up thining worse of him
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i admire his form of courage
Zhao Feng says:
cause the ego is strong enough to invalidate these other pples opinions
Zhao Feng says:
i dislike it
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
but yea.. i dun wanna be like that
Zhao Feng says:
i think it shows so little concern for others
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
but u know.. sometimes i feel that i am compromising lots of things on my side
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
and there's no firm grd i'm standing on
Zhao Feng says:
the thing is that u are somewhat on the otehr extreme i guess
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
haha..
Zhao Feng says:
no ground just malleable to these other pple
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i wont say that
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
but its just like
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i dunno
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
u know i doubt myself a lot
Zhao Feng says:
yar..
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
whenever i'm doing sth good or anything
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i'll think that i'm not that nobel and just doing things for myself
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
just like a selfish human being
Zhao Feng says:
that is alright its not selfish
Zhao Feng says:
i dont see it as selfish
Zhao Feng says:
i will say that someone who chooses not to do these things
Zhao Feng says:
because he thinks doing them is only bc he wants other pple to think well of him
Zhao Feng says:
i think this person is selfish
Zhao Feng says:
bc he refuses to submit to society's ideas
Zhao Feng says:
society = pthjer pple
Zhao Feng says:
other pple are impt
Zhao Feng says:
even if u dont really want to help someone
Zhao Feng says:
u still help the person
Zhao Feng says:
even if u help him only bc u want other pple to think well of u
Zhao Feng says:
u still know that society's ideals are as auch and u submit urself to them
Zhao Feng says:
that is not selfish
Zhao Feng says:
the degree of selfishness is soooo little
Zhao Feng says:
and no human is not selfish at least a little
Zhao Feng says:
honestly
Zhao Feng says:
i can affirm that motehr theresa never really wanted to help everyone single one of those pple bc she felt for every single one of them
Zhao Feng says:
its impossible
Zhao Feng says:
the body will tire the mind will falter
Zhao Feng says:
its only on the principle of helping that can pull her through so many things
Zhao Feng says:
bc she had a regard for other peoples beliefs
Zhao Feng says:
i dunno if everu thing i say makes any sense to u at all cause its so complicated
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i understand
Zhao Feng says:
but its sth that i am sure of
Zhao Feng says:
really?
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
kinda of
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
but i also know this kinda things need time to set in
Zhao Feng says:
haha k cause i think i was afraid i might not have been too clear
Zhao Feng says:
yar true
Zhao Feng says:
it does seem like u are vain, u only want pther pple to think u are so nice and stuff
Zhao Feng says:
but really underneath is more like a real concern for others
Zhao Feng says:
it is undeniable that there is selfishness in a way but its really very little
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
hmmm
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
self worth..
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
thats sth i have to learn
Zhao Feng says:
yup
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i know that on the outside i seeem like comfortable and confident
Zhao Feng says:
bc self-worth for u sems to be sth measured by otehr people
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
but i guess things just arent that rosy
Zhao Feng says:
yar sigh...
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i remember u once said..
Zhao Feng says:
for me its more like i seem all confident and self-assured
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
like how i am alot more daring then others in the terms of making sound
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
like in choir..
Zhao Feng says:
yup
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
but u know... little things fret me so much
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
haha.. i have really high standards..
Zhao Feng says:
haha u know if u can give me that impression despite the fact that u were so afraid really says sth
Zhao Feng says:
like despite it all u combatted it
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
u know.. even like yesterday
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
hhahah.. after talking to ivee online..
Zhao Feng says:
and it seems that u get the benefits of both being sensitive and being confidnet
Zhao Feng says:
yup
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i had a nightmare... like the seniors critisizing that my pitching sucks
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
hahahha..
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
quite funny
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
but yea..
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
and many dreams with like toh saying stuff... negative stuff
Zhao Feng says:
well i think u shldnt like kill ur sensitivty
Zhao Feng says:
that kind of fear and desire for perfection is what not many pple have
Zhao Feng says:
with that u constantly guard urself and improve
Zhao Feng says:
and u actually gave me the im[pression of a confident singer
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
but it tires me out as well
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
hahah..
Zhao Feng says:
true..
Zhao Feng says:
not easy
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
choir is somewhere which i draw strength from
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i guess..
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
hmmm.. and the fact that i get so affected by comments
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
its like.. here i am feeling comfortable and appreciated
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
but just in the twitch of an eye.. a random remark can just make all the difference
Zhao Feng says:
but wld u rather lose it?
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i dunno
Zhao Feng says:
i think its a gift in a way
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
hahha.. sometimes i wonder if i have like split personality
Zhao Feng says:
haah liek happy trish and sad trish
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
yea
Zhao Feng says:
no lar really
Zhao Feng says:
while it may be tiring, if u can use it to your advantage and somehow reconcile ur sensitivty with the demands of the world, i think u really have a gift
Zhao Feng says:
u say u get affected by a twitch of an eye
Zhao Feng says:
how many thousand woodblcoks out there are there who dont even see a twitch of an eye much less get affected
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i always think that i really cared for a friend like make sure she's ok and stuff..
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
but then she kinda lied to me...
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
and she kinda yea.. lost a lot of weight
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
i was seriously angry..
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
but yea.. appeared fine.. and told her i wld still support her thru
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
but like... i dunno.. i feel so fake
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
like doing things for myself.. and so mean
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
ew.. hate it
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
and i wonder whether its really out of true concern
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
n i find it really disgusting
Zhao Feng says:
its fake cause u sort of think that you may be too hurt and u really care less than the amt of concern u are showing
Zhao Feng says:
but so what
Zhao Feng says:
of course u wld feel hurt and cheated
Zhao Feng says:
of course u cannot tell her u are absolutely unaffected and care of rher the same way
Zhao Feng says:
but u still do it and thats a gd thing
Zhao Feng says:
bc it means that somehow u still value her
Zhao Feng says:
out of principle u say that
Zhao Feng says:
principles are really feelings that are ingrained
Zhao Feng says:
feelings and thoughts
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
u know.. u always make me feel so appreciated
Zhao Feng says:
it cannot be categorised as fake
Zhao Feng says:
sigh...
Zhao Feng says:
i dunno..
Zhao Feng says:
i tend to see peoples good rather than anything else
Zhao Feng says:
like i end up liking everyone
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
haha..
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
except for yourself huh?
Zhao Feng says:
haaha even for myself
Zhao Feng says:
maybe thats why
Zhao Feng says:
despite all the horrible stuff i know about myself
Zhao Feng says:
nowadays i dont quite care anymore
Zhao Feng says:
cause there are ways out
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
hmmmm... yea...
Zhao Feng says:
and its not like im compeltely useless
Zhao Feng says:
i mean like
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
no u are not
Zhao Feng says:
how impossible is it that someone is compleltely useless
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
u made a difference in my life=)
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
yea, true
trish- living a life of denial and deceit says:
hahha
Zhao Feng says:
haha glad to hear that
Zhao Feng says:
u certainly too
Zhao Feng says:
taught me not to take pple for granted

SIGH! i just finished a binge... on loads of cookies. hmmmm thats not all.. sigh sigh sigh!!!! haizzzzz... I AM UPSET. and guess wad you do after u kinda started on a binge.. hmmm if your guess is continue eating.. yup, great guess man!!! i dunno why.. had many cravings all of a sudden and told my mum that i wanna go down to get lunch. yesss.. how smart. of course with a smile so she wont sense anything wrong.. why all this hiding and all this denial and doing everything in secret..i hate it really.. ok.. went down and ate FRIED beehoon mee with veg and loads of chili.. DAMN OILY.. EWWWW.. how u gonna lose weight like that?! fat hope you stupid girl..yea.. i seriously needa scold myself. u lack self discipline. who are u trying to prove. your life is dictated by your ed and u are seriously damn hopeless...sigh.. u suck! yes.. i do. sighss..

haiz... someone...
save me from the clutches of hell..
i hear the evil laughters.
haunting me.
downing me.!

okies.. sigh.. stop wallowing in self pity again idiot. okie. econs paper in 2 days how am i gonna study like that. i feel like shit. eww.. maybe worse than that. i am disgusted with myself. so yea my weight 45.9!!! I AM GOING MAD.. sigh.. no more mood to write anything at all.. trish.. u are hopelessss!

hmmmm.. i wont say that today went really well for me. sigh. just finished a sort of a binge. hmmms ate like 4 packets of mamee monster and some chips. but i'm glad(or am i?) i ate sth which i haven in a long time.. vegetarian beehooon. a pack for brunch and another for dinner. but its really really oily and stuff.. wasnt thinking while eating. more of on the bingeing mode where food goes in w/o u enjoying at all..sigh... with the addition of like 3 bananas and 3 apples? not a lot huh? but for a person like me who needs to go on a diet.. it is seriously quite a lot

hmmm.. sometimes i wonder whether being all skinny is really impt. yes, i admit that i dont miss the days when pple stare at me nonstop for the wrong reasons..and omg.. all the studying studying and still studying.. haiz, kinda relived my past today as i was talking to chinny bout the extent of my extremes with studies. realised that i should be glad that i survived. thinking back, i know that i am a lot weaker and vulnerable now. sigh. but its not as if i wanna return. hmmm..but i cant deny that i am not happy with the way i look now and i do admire my determination in the past. maybe it wasnt determination.. just pure drowning yourself in wk. hmmm.. mindless studying. but yea. i want my tummy to go away. hmmm.. ok random.

about the qn ms boon asked me. do u want to be known on your deathbed as a tricia who is 42kg? yea, i hope to be of that weight. sighhhh.. but i'm like 46kg now??!?? ok, back to the qn. hmmm.. guess not. but i dun do this for anyone. everyone will have some stuff in their life which they are obstinate about and mine just happens to be weight. sigh. and i really seriously dont enjoy it at all! but yea, i told her no and that i want to be known as a person who made a difference in someone else's life. pretty. successful. smart. cheerful. filial. and all the wad nots. but yea. i do know wad i want. but hmmm.. i guess with my ED, i've turned really selfish and the wrld just revolves ard myself. sometimes i wonder if i do things for others or for myself. whether i truely do it out of care and concern or whether there's a hidden agenda which i deceive myself with. i really dont know. sighs.and the next qn, does being thin allow u to accomplish any of the aboves? hmmm.. guess not. sigh. and the crucial qn. why do you wanna be thin. sighs. till now i haven found my ans to this qn. and i'm not putting any effort at all thinking about it. but yea i should now, since i'm on it anyways. yea, hmm.. being thin, allows me to be more comfortable with myself. its kind of a security net.. i dont know. it makes me feel goood about myself. WHY WHY WHY! i really dont know. hmmm.. i am not like most other patients where i was born really fat. in fact i was kinda skinny my whole life.so i wont relate being skinny as an escape from any traumatic experience. but i guess i felt so comfortable with it once. and the feeling of able to restrict allows me to have a sense of control in my life. ut i wont say my life has issues thats out of my control. maybe my intelligence? my beauty? my patience?

sighs. yes, trish here is a damn hardcore perfectionist. LET GO U STUPID GIRL. yea, easy to say, just too difficult to do. i dont know. i really really dont know. why am i the way i am. why. there are times when i am satisfied with myself but these times are just so rare and i am forever wanting to stretch my limits. yes, u may think that its a really good attitude to have but! its really tiring on my side. and it becomes some sort of a vicious cycle which i'm entrapped in. it encroaches on me to the extent where i dont have space to breath. hmmm.. am i again exemplifying my problem? yea. sigh! shut up trish. stop wallowing yourself in self pity. you dont deserve it at all. stop it, you fool! sigh sigh sigh. i feel so ashamed of myself. i doubt myself all the time. i refuse to think that i am a nice girl and feel that i do everything for myself. sigh!!

ok. now, about views of myself. ok, i dun deny that i do feel good about myself when i dress up and having stares from people i dont know only makes me feel better. but, i have an utterly disgusting tummy and fat thighs and fat arms and small tits. hhaaha. ok, not funny at all. but yea.i know that on the whole, i am not fat or anything. but it is just these areas of my body which i am really hating that makes me feel miserable.i am not someone who has a distorted image of myself when i look into the mirror and see a fat girl. but really. i dont like the way i look at all. haiz. SIGH! trish! u suck! u suck like shit. yes. please wake up. if u dont wanna grow fat, stop all your bingeing nonsense. start eating healthily and please stop complaining and do something! you are just lazy. and u just hope that by the time u wake up, u are able to just get thinner. yah just by sleeping! FAT HOPE. yes. hahha.. since people dont scold me much. i guess i have to do it myself. sigh. trish! u are just not deserving of anyone's concern.

sigh sigh sigh! i have a confession. i think shuzhen looks better now and I AM AFFECTED! seriously! i dont have the courage to tell anyone this as i know the whole thing about focussing on your own recovery and stop comparing. but yea, i admit. i am jealous. i am angry. but deep inside i still wish her all the best. yea, i dont want my period to stop or anything. i dont want my mind to be filled with food. i like my life as it is now. but i like her skinniness.. heh heh. ok, maybe not that. but just a little teeny weeny bit. heh heh. ok, i hope the next month or so when i write a post, i would be able to say.. i am happy with the way i look and yes. i love myself for who i am.

trish hates trish..

hmmmm guess i'll start again.. after like wad? half a year.. ahhhaha just wrote a post on ulutoot. i dunno if i did the right thing..haiz. guess i should just stop doubting myself. hmmmm.. i'll try to blog everyday. perhaps it'll help me monitor my progress with my ed. yes i'll work hard. jia you trish! dun give up.