back to square one

okay. so its back to deep shits again. oh wells. not new to me i guess. SIGH. the only consolation I have is that I wont be schooless.

I know that I can deal with this... and the only reason why I think I can do it is because I hang on to a little faith and hope that my appeals for NTU will work. sighs. plus, SMU havent called me up.. maybe i got it? (though rach, who was in the same interview rm with me got called up for smu biz tea session this morning.) please tell me this is not the end. please.

anyways life's not gettin a single bit better. I look in the mirror and hate whatever I see.. everything. i just hate myself.

So... today I talked to elaine(the superwoman secretary) about my resignation.. hmmm.. probably end of june, i told her.. Sigh..
So, apart from crying in my bed after looking at NTU's letter, my mind was just filled up with "should i? shouldnt i? resign..." thoughts the whole of yesterday. I know I cant be so irresponsible cos there's still A*L*O's matter (*to preserve the confidentiality of the case) pending and A*L's submissions for Alvin... And Alvin's already so tied up.. hope my little efforts relieve him off some of it.. I'm really really trying my best to do what I can.. the case's really so difficult to understand...I really.. am trying. throughout half the meeting last week, I was still trying to understand **'s accent and terms he's using..trying my best to pen down whatever I can.. blah blah blah.. yet all I get from HIM is... "just ask that girl to write whatever she wrote in the meeting lah." or "dont look for me. look for Alvin" or "Busy, sorry"... I hate it so badly sometimes.. sighs.. and thats when he's in a good mood.. if his mood gets bad... "f-ing shit you're giving me" or "you're so irritating, I got so much stuff and here u are giving me this f-ed up work" yuppp, things along those lines.

And it doesnt help when either trish.. or the ed in me starts comparing with..... Once again.. it becomes mentally draining.. emotionally torturous..

But then again.. I really love my table, my colleagues, our PANTRY (we just stock it up today!! exciting huh!) HIM, with his -once-in-a-while- good mood's generosity.. Oh.. and the rest of the lawyers.. (aren't they just so adorable.. ha if any of them were to see this.. they'll probably freak out!) yupp.. but seriously.. they are so funny at times, and they make u feel important and really APPRECIATE what u do for them. AND of course.. the super-duper SECRETARIES as well..

I really dont know how much am I helping the lawyers (or am i making things worst?)Do I really make a difference here? And since it builds up on my already piling insecurities and makes me feel so lousy.. why move on with it.. when I know this is gonna be my only only real break in a long long time. And I guess I'll be better off doing voluntary work in SGH, making much more of a difference in other's lives and making life more meaningful for me...sighs. but yes, responsibility. and I dont want HIM to look down on me.. thinking that I'm a quitter cos NO, I'm NOT.

oh wells.

Anyways, on a side note, I dreamt of someone jumping off the building yesterday.. and flashes of this particular dream keeeeeeps reappearing in my head today. OK. maybe a hint? maybe a sign? a signal? hahaha. okay. no, just joking.

Oh, many people have been asking me bout the bruise on my upper arm and I always tell them that I probably fell off the bed and it just appeared the next morning..(but did I??) haha. oh wells. dont wanna talk bout it anymore.

SO.. life sucks once again.. and its just sucks more and more as the days go by.

-THE END-