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hmmm guess many of you girls are wondering how trish is doing now. without messaging any of you.. without keeping in contact.. it sure must be tough on your side too, guessing non stop on whats happening on my side (provided you guys are not too busy celebrating.. and left a little space in your heart for me. haha.)

I mean, i totally understand how,when u feel overwhelmed with happiness that everything else seems so insignificant and stuff. i mean.. i understand. really! i dont blame or put fault on anyone. I mean... I WANT you guys to go enjoy yourself. in fact... i WANT you guys to feel happy! cause all of u worked hard and got what you wanted and deserved. i'm just worried that i may spoil the whole atmosphere. cos its just so difficult, if you get what i mean. hmmm. I know.. some people havent been feeling happy though some people got good results.. cos some people are just too concerned bout me. haha. *honoured honoured* but this is the time when i say.. GO CELEBRATE cos Trish is fine. yupps.i took up toooo much of some people's happy precious moments, doing nothing but just plain worrying bout me..thinking back.. thats quite selfish of me huh. hahah. Just that... as much as i wanna feel happy... it becomes so so painful in the end.As much as i wanna smile and laugh, I'm just crying and bleeding deep down. As much as i wanna go out and have fun, my heart is stagnanted somewhere in the darkness.and it really really hurts so badly when i hear your phonecalls of happiness.. when i see the smiles on your faces.. but nontheless.. i DO feel happy for you guys.

So... fri and sat. hahaha.believe it or not.. it was kinda plain crying. I'm sorry that trish is such a CRYBABY.. but i just cant help it lah.i know.. how all of your messages say " yah i understand" and all. but seriously. i question. I know what you mean.. but my life... is just all bout failing.. picking up myself.. falling again.. falling even harder.. then healing all the wounds and climb back up.. and there u see me.. in the pits again. hahaha.its just so tiring. Not sure if you guys remembered.. but i did badly for CT2.. the first ever time failing in RJC.. and it was tough... still remember cryin in LT2 after receiving phy results.and after that.. i tried really hard.. to pick myself up again for the coming battle. i worked even harder.. going for patrick and afzal..writing essays after essays for mrs neo... starting all anew. developing new studying styles. and i kinda improved, doing -okay- in prelims. and before i know it.. here i am.. hurt again.

i was just thinking yesterday. How i made sure that i sleep better and made sure that i try understand everything. finishing the whole DARN phy tys.. putting paper clips to make sure i dont miss out on any..asking patrick for "MORE WORK MORE WORK" to make sure i get adequate practice.. flipping through all H3 stuff over and over again.. though i dont understand much. reading all the econs essays in the DARN thick book, writing pages after pages of notes for every essay. doing every paper 2 and 3 for the DARN book that chem dept prepared. but in the end... is this what i deserved? really! am i really worth this. i know.. everyone now will start telling me " trish.. dont measure your worth against your results." but seriously.. put yourself in my shoes... time and again.. your efforts are NOT paid off. time and again.. your confidence just hits lower than you ever thought it can go. time and again.. time and again... and in the end.. all this thoughts led to just more tears...

I didnt start off as a very CONFIDENT person.. i am no hanchen.. neither am i a jameson(haha).. in fact.. i was INSECURE alllll the time. feeling lousy. upset. disappointed. discouraged.. throw in all the synonyms.. and there you have.. TRISH. its so tiring to keep assuring yourself.. telling yourself you can do this.. when in true fact.. you know that you cant. but you just keep telling yourself.. you have to, you must. you cant give up..

So i seriously pondered.. what else could i have done. Is God just trying to reassure me that.. yes trish.. I'm sorry.. no matter what you do. you just cant do it. Hard work can only bring you this far. but sorry. you just cant make it. IS THAT IT? WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE IS GOD TRYING TO GIVE ME. i am trying i really am. but this is what you offered me. then here comes the part where everyone starts saying.. "everything happens for a reason.. He might have a bigger plan for you.. It might just be a blessing in disguise." I know.. BUT BUT BUT.. its a little toooo much for me to take now.
so now what.

I was telling mummy.. He is taking everything away from me. First he takes away my health. then he took away my life. then he gives both back to me.. and takes away my voice. now he snatches away what little confidence, dignity, and pride i have. What more does He want from me. and i started wailing.. and mummy cried hugging me. she says she feels sad that I am so upset. She feels sad that she sees her daughter trying so hard but ends up in tears. mummy says she's even more worried cos i never ever appear sad in front of friends and always try to show that i am okay, not getting them worried and stuff..i am upset tooo mummy. but what can i do now mummy.

So today i went to work.. giving tours.. saying "WELCOME TO SINGAPORE DUCKTOURS" in a super happy.. excited. hyped up manner. when i still feel really unstable on the inside.. but.. a good thing came out of it.. I DIDNT CRY TODAY. haha. something new. heh.

I still need time. i really do. but for now.. all i can say is.. NO WAY is trish gonna give up. she is gonna proceed into UNI.. and whatever it is, TRY even HARDER than before. whatever the outcome..i tried my best. I am gonna try for all the courses i want. if i get rejected.. THEN ITS THEIR LOSS. I am NOT gonna let my steps here pause for any second longer.. I'm gonna move on. YES.. i did badly for A's but for one thing i know.. i worked hard. consistently. and though i didnt do as well as i expected, its bordering on decent. and i have no regrets. i REALLY did all i can. so be it, i am moving on. I am the "nu qiang ren" in gen's eyes(hahaha) so.. i will continue to be one! I will continue with life.. I will take things as they come. I WILL LIVE ON. so God.. if you wanna take anything else away from me.. go ahead.. cos.. guess what. its not gonna stop me in life. if fact.. I'm gonna grow stronger.

hahaha. despite of the aforesaid. i still admit.. there will be times of weakness.. so pardon me lahhhh. hahah

P.S. I LOVE TRISH